I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
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