You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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