You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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