the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
