woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Randomize
