No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
