I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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