The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize