new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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