i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Randomize
