i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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