Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
