I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
