then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
