Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
