Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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