I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
