So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
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