You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize