I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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