oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
