At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Help me help you realize you are a moron
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
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