i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
