I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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