Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
