What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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