i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
