Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Ketchup is God's man juice
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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