I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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