her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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