Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
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