No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
You can't just leave with hair like that
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
