If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
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