Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
