Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
