The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
