so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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