He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Michael Bay diarrhea
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
