thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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