The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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