Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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