This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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