There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Randomize
