i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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