I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
In other news, I just burned my penis
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Randomize
