Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
