i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
