even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Randomize
