well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
