i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
BRING THE BAGELS
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
