hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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