i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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