My brain says no but my pants say off.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
