If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
