My first STD was from a foam party
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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