I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
