Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
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