I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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