6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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