She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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