Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
