i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
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