Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Randomize
