just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
As shirtless as possible
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Randomize
