Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
