I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
A bitchslap is in order.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
